Lately, I’ve been waking up in the middle of the night – 3am to be exact – with a racing heart.
I try my best to go back to sleep – but I can’t seem to stop my mind from racing. Often when this happens, I’ll put on a podcast or begin scrolling online to distract myself.
But recently I decided to get quiet and listen to the anxiety and what “it” was trying to tell me.
By listening in to the stress, I realized my mind wants to know what’s next. My mind wants to figure everything out and have a plan for where I’m going and how I’m continuing to evolve and be my Best Self. My mind is worried if I’m on or off the course to my purpose - and if I’m living my mission.
As I listened even more intently and got incredibly uncomfortable in the feelings, I bravely allowed a deeper fear within me to reveal itself.
The fear that God is expecting me to be on-purpose and on-point with my purpose here and if I’m not….then what?
Nothing was coming to me.
My mind didn’t want to reveal the deeper fear that was lingering underneath the panic and anxiety.
I bravely allowed myself to feel the fear and ask anyway – what is this deep fear all about?
Then it occurred to me.
I hold a very deep-seated belief that God has a price-tag on my life - and is waiting for me to pay-off the debt of being here on the planet. I need to earn my place here. If I want to take up space, I better make it worthwhile. I better earn it.
Holy Shit. Literally, Holy Shit.
At a conscious level, this description of price-tag would never have come to me...hence why subconscious beliefs run and rule your life until you become aware of them.
When you become aware of what you believe, you then have a choice if you want to continue to believe it.
In this case, I definitely, 1000% want and need to change this belief.
I've always known that I have this "earn it" belief because this is exactly the area that I write, teach and coach about - knowing your innate worth. Not proving and earning your worth but claiming your worth as your birthright.
But this is a deeper level. Again a level I didn't have awareness around.
I've always felt the feeling of anxiety and pressure lingering inside which sounds like: "I'm not doing enough."
This deeper realization reminds me of the symbol of the Labyrinth – and the maze and circle of the same journey we are all on - and the opportunity to continually revisit the path and learn from a deeper perspective and consciousness.
New layers, new awareness.
Being steeped in this new layer of awareness and uncomfortableness is revealing belief systems that have many deep layers. Most likely layers that existed even before this lifetime.
For me, these 3am wake-up calls are guiding me towards a deeper relationship with God – and learning about purpose and mission.
My head wants to tell me time is running out. I need to figure-out a plan, make an impact, and a difference.
My heart however is urging me to go deeper into the silence and into my body where Truth resides.
I read recently that your purpose isn’t discovered but it’s created.
I love that!
To me this definition of purpose has a whole different energy associated with it.
To create is to inspire.
To create is to innovate.
To create is to connect.
To create is to make NEW.
This feels much better than the pressure of trying to find my purpose and feeling that it exists somewhere either within or outside of me. Either scenario doesn't feel good.
What feels good is looking at each day and being present and allowing what comes to come. To allow inspiration to come - and to allow sadness, anxiety and fear to come as well. Then, CHOOSE which feeling I want to feel in the moment.
This sounds and feels much more creative to me - to allow life to unfold and take inspired action vs. trying to figure-out, plan, strategize. Those skills come in handy, just not when it comes to the life journey...
Creativity feels much more original and lighter to me.
How does it feel to you?